let’s tal k about mum guilt

And …. how come there’s no such as thing as dad guilt?

I haven’t met a mum yet who hasn’t admitted to experiencing mum guilt at some point. Sometimes we express it in a joking way - “ugh, the mum guilt!!” - if we forgot fancy dress day at pre-school, or left our kid’s favourite toy at home. Other times we can reflect that it stops us from doing things for ourselves- maybe we’d love to go on a weekend away with our friends, but we’d feel “too bad” at leaving our family for that long.

I experienced mum guilt twice this weekend. First example - my son was invited to a birthday party. My husband had already said he was happy to take our little boy, and that I didn’t need to come too. But I insisted that I should come regardless. Then my friend messages me and says that someone had dropped out of a group trip to a lake & sauna near us (which is one of my favourite activities to do). Obviously (because he’s a great husband and reasonable person) my husband said well clearly you go to that, and I take our little boy to the party.

Yes, of course that’s obvious. My son didn’t need both of us to go, and to be honest I usually find kids parties incredibly overwhelming and try to leave early. But I still felt incredibly conflicted. I thought, oh god what will the other parents think when they ask where I am, and he says I’m at a bloody sauna with my friends instead of spending time as a family at the weekend?! And - What if my little boy gets overwhelmed or shy or falls off the bouncy castle and I’m not there to help him?

Second example - I had driven to my morning yoga class when I had a video call from my husband. My son had fallen off his chair and was really upset and asking for me. He wanted to speak to me about it before he left for pre-school with my husband. Of course immediately I think - I need to go back home, I need to give him a hug, oh god I’m so selfish that I’m here at a yoga class when he’s asking for me and upset.

Does this sound familiar?

Both times mum guilt could have stopped me in my tracks and made me change my actions. But I consciously didn’t allow it to. And that’s only because I have done a tonne of self-work on my identity as a mum, my self-talk and my self-awareness. And through that process I have truly become a better mum and a happier mum (but isn’t that the same thing?) It’s the sort of thing we dive into in my maternity coaching practice - both online on The Mother Mindset and in my face to face return to work coaching (first cohort launches May!)

Instead, I took a breath. When I was thinking about the party, I reminded myself that a) it didn’t matter what anyone else was thinking about me and b) if they were thinking anything, it would likely be that they wish that they also had had the opportunity to go to a sauna instead of a kids party. I reassured myself that my husband is more than capable of soothing my son if he needs it, and the chances are my little boy would be off loving life the whole time anyway. I went to the sauna and had a glorious time.

And after I got off the call with my crying son, I took some deep calming breaths and repeated “He is safe, he is safe. I am safe”. I knew I needed to reassure my nervous system that my son wasn’t in any danger. And I knew that if I drove back home, I would be frustrated that I had missed my class; my son would probably be happy by the time I got back; and it would undermine an opportunity for my husband and son to work through that together. So I hung up the phone, cried a bit, took some deep breaths and went to my yoga class. My husband messaged me to say my son was absolutely fine 10 minutes later.

A few years ago, I can’t be sure I would have taken the same actions. I would have felt that mum guilt and believed what it was telling me - that I was selfish, that I should drop everything and run to my son, that I should never prioritise my needs.

Anna Mathur in ‘Mind over Mother’ talks about two types of mum guilt- 1) the guilt you feel over things that are either out of your control (like your birth or feeding journey) or unjustified (like going to a yoga class) and 2) guilt which is ‘justified’ (like feeling bad that you shouted at your child, or spend too much time on your phone around them). The first type of guilt we can feel the emotions, the anger or the disappointment, but work towards releasing it, knowing that is either not in your control, or not justified (maybe it is created by our perception of what a ‘good mum’ should do or be - which is a topic for a whole other blog post!). The second type of guilt is gently prompting us to change our behaviour - and we should listen to that prompt, but only in a way that doesn’t feel like a harsh critic or in a shaming way.

Next time you feel mum guilt- maybe think about whether it is the first or second type of guilt. And either way, be gentle with yourself. Examine the guilt - is it a gentle nudge to change your behaviour, or an instinctive reaction that you can explore and acknowledge without changing your actions?

And finally -returning to that first question - how come there is no such thing as dad guilt? I’ll leave that one with you!

Did this blog prompt some thoughts? Come join me over on The Mother Mindset for online live coaching and self-guided coaching as we explore themes just like this one.